Dear Family,

These last few days have been hectic, we had a Northeastern Leaders conference at our base, we moved into a new house last week and this coming week we will have DTS beginning, I will also have my parents coming next week to Boston! :)

My thoughts are not doing me well in the last week, I have been analyzing myself so much this week that I have withdrawn from many people I love here at the base. Last night I realized I left Gods perspective out of my analyzing of myself which lead me to damage myself more then help me. Then this morning we had a moment to get with God in small groups and cry out to God that we need Him deeper in our lives, which drew out my thoughts(it was a mess).

Last night I was running thinking about how alone I was and felt it was right for me to be alone because nobody really wants to be with anyone as they may be thinking over life. Then suddenly God hit me with a memory or not a memory but familiar words that are

"I always want to be with you. You may not want me or anyone else around in these moments but I want to be with you. I will never leave you, nor forget you, I want to be with you."

My heart jumped subtly inside my chest because it was the most positive thought in my head at the moment and I knew it was truth from Gods lips. I knew in my heart, tho I make a mess of myself He still comes for me.

Today has been a day of surrendering my thought life to God. God knows its not easy but I need to calm my thoughts, take in His thoughts more. I have a good all around view of myself in my head, I know when I am being prideful, jealous, rude, crude, most of the roots of my harshness which makes me want to just say nothing most of the time but I need forgiveness too. I need to allow myself to live and not worry about my motives. JUST ENJOY LIFE MORE!!!

I remember when I began to think analytically, I was in junior year of high school, my brother began college and would talk intellectually with me, I went to collage bible studies, hang out with collage students, hang out with a lot of adults that had awesome logic! With hanging out with so many intellects I forgot my childish enjoyment of living, being in the moment, enjoying the sun on my back and the wind blowing over my finger tips. I rather enjoyed reading and gaining knowledge and understanding to serve others, to correct injustice in the world. My desire to study was good but I then became addicted to gaining more information that I forgot to see where I was headed mentally.

I remember Holy Spirit telling me to slow down in my knowledge gain and remember Him, to practice what I've received before going onto a new way of life. I rejected His words which now I am stuck in not stopping my thoughts. I have always been a deep thinker, I understand a lot of thing and have a very different way of thinking naturally but it wasn't enough to me. I wanted to be cool and have all the knowledge I could get in my brain but I am accepting that I cant have all the knowledge. I cant over analyze life and the motive of my living because Paul the apostle wrote to the Corinthians

"3But with me it is a very small thing that I should be judged by you or by any human court. In fact, I do not even judge myself. 4 For I am not aware of anything against myself, but I am not thereby acquitted. It is the Lord who judges me. 5Therefore do not pronounce judgment before the time, before the Lord comes, who will bring to light the things now hidden in darkness and will disclose the purposes of the heart. Then each one will receive his commendation from God." 1 Corinthians 4:3-5 ESV

I cant judge myself, my thoughts, anything because in the end God alone is the perfect judge and knows best. There is another version of this scripture that says

"3 As for me, it matters very little how I might be evaluated by you or by any human authority. I don’t even trust my own judgment on this point. 4 My conscience is clear, but that doesn’t prove I’m right. It is the Lord himself who will examine me and decide.
5 So don’t make judgments about anyone ahead of time—before the Lord returns. For he will bring our darkest secrets to light and will reveal our private motives. Then God will give to each one whatever praise is due."(NIV)

I am holding close to this right now for freedom, for hope, and faith that in the end God would judge my heart as his.

I am closing my mind and allowing myself to be dumb for a while, I am turning off music that makes me think deeply, not watching shows or movies that make me think deeply, I am trying to be free.

I am ready to just live right now.

Thanks for reading, I love you all. I will write a lot more about life later! PEACE!!!