Dear Family,

The last few days of my life have been filled with the touch of God. I have not felt the love, the care of God like these last few days in a long while. Jesus has touched my spirit, my core being bringing healing, comfort, and repentance.

Sunday I prayed with a friend about my recent struggles and things of the past. Holy Spirit came upon us in this room revealing my views of Christian and my self. In my junior high school year I began to view Christians as phony because they and I could not express what Holy Spirit was doing in our hearts with theology, we could not give it labels, it seemed like emotional, mental therapy more then a move of God. Sunday, God revealed to me that my view of Christians being phony is not true, that he can move as he wish upon any one or thing. I have accepted a lie that theology was the focus, the labels we needed in order to understand Gods move. I told God I am sorry for accepting this lie, I asked him to forgive me.

More happened Sunday but I would rather speak of them in person or over the phone.

Monday night, God moved.

YWAM holds a night service of worshiping, praising God, listening to his voice about our lives and his will to come deeper in our hearts. Last night was this service and I was entering into the presence of God with a knowing pride was in my heart towards a friend, I had a lack of appreciation of him, and pride towards myself that I did not appreciate myself either. I have great sorrow toward me.

I told my friend my lack of appreciation of him, he responded with a brutal truth. He said to me "Jordan, your lack of appreciation comes from your lack of appreciation towards yourself. I feel sad for you that you cant see the good that you are." I felt anger towards my friend because he spoke truth and to say he felt sad for me, sorry for me because he cared about me, saw good in me that I could not see in me. I felt anger because I knew he loved me, cared for me and I view myself as unworthy of love and caring. We prayed and walk away from each other. I went away to simply praise God, aware of my insecurity but knowing God is loving and caring I stood in his presence waiting for him to speak.

I then had a desire for prayer from a close friend, I went to him told him told him about what had just happened with my other friend. I told him I have very little love for myself. He encouraged me and prayed for me, I then sensed I had to confess and ask for forgiveness from God for my great sorrow toward myself. I admitted it and asked God for his grace and forgiveness. I left my friend and went back to simply worship God.

Then one of the leaders of the night said I sense God wants us to go deeper with him, notice that God desires us more, he said to raise your hand if you want prayer. I did not want to raise my hand, I thought I am fine, I spoke my issues, my burdens, I should be okay yet I wanted more prayer knowing that God desires more, has more to reveal to me. I kept hearing Holy Spirit speak to me "I am more then a conquer in Christ." This phrase repeated in my mind and I couldn't shake it off it was a truth that I could not accept but desired to accept. I rose my hand and waited on God.

Two people came to pray for me. We sat in prayer before I spoke what phrase was repeated in my mind, I told them I am having a hard time accepting this truth and I need prayer for it to become true in my mind, emotions, physical being. We prayed and I sensed Holy Spirit rolling under me and rising up my body to my head. I told them to keep praying because God is doing something, I was grate full and did not want to stop praying till God spoke to me.

The muscles in my hands, in my legs tightened, I began to gasp for air, tears fell from my eyes, my sight faded in and out, I became numb and could not move. I fell to the floor on my back, encountering God.

I was out of this reality and in the presence of God at a dinning table that was endless with food and chairs with a gold frame and a black cushion. I could not stop saying "I am so hungry, I am so hungry Lord". The Lord handed my a plate with a omelet filled with spinach, spam, feta cheese, tomatoes, and cheese. He gave me more food-yogurt, fruit, lobster, shrimp, bread- I was feasting with Yahweh.

Even though Yahweh kept giving me food, I kept telling him "I am so hungry". I couldn't recall looking at my body but I could notice my body was so bony, scaly dry, wrinkly. God took me to a few places first began in a giant house, then we went to Northern Ireland, and then to Little Tokyo in Los Angels. In Lil Tokyo I was in a store running around looking at all the food, gathering, ready to eat all the food I wished to. God spoke to me "You see Jordan, there is enough food, there is enough". I walked out of the store and back into the room where the endless table was and I eat chicken with God. As I eat I tried to look at the person next to me knowing some one is sitting there but I could not fully see them, they where not fully developed, fading in and out of sight. I stopped caring and decided to feast with God.

I could think of a few things 1) Heide Baker, her book I just read about feasting for nations to love greatly. I have been praying to understand what it means to feast for a nation of people. 2) Between ages 10 or 11 I remember sitting watching the news in the morning and I asked God "when am I going to die?". I thought I heard God, I supposed I did, God spoke to me "21". Last June or July I remembered asking God this question and I even asked a friend when he is in prayer to ask God if I when will I die. Yahweh spoke to me bringing these two things together and making a new reality for me. Yahweh (without words) made it known to me this moment is a moment when I am feasting for a nation of people, and that this day is the day I die, I die to myself, an end to me and a beginning of him. The table and food before me disappeared behind a bright light that shined onto my face and into my eyes making it seemed like I have left the room. He then (with words) asked me "Are you ready to follow me, are you ready to submit all your will to me and follow me?". I began to cry in gratitude and pain. I responded "yes. Yes, I will follow you. Yes, I will submit my will to you. Yes Lord yes".

He spoke again "tell people, love people as my children". I understood quickly that it was not nearly about salvation but understanding, comprehending that we are children of God. That people in the church do not know that they are children of God. I began to remember, understand, comprehend I am a child of God.

This was a long moment because I could feel the selfishness in me battle and close up to my Spirits request to submit so God sat waiting for me to open more doors in my heart to him. I remember telling God there are areas where I am not accepting your call, help me to accept, he did by his light.

God then brought us back to the table. I sat before him and he gave me a blueberry pancake, crackers and oat meal textured cookies with pinkish and green candies in them. I was thirsty too and he gave me green tea before I left him. I did not want to leave but he assured me it was time to leave, he and I will meet again. I was so grate full to meet with the Father.

He loved me. I woke back to this reality. I sat accepting my gift, then realized I needed to give this gift away so I began telling people "You are a child of God".

this is my testimony of Yahweh loving me, in order that others may be known and loved by him. I love you Church, we are Gods children.