Dear Friends and family.

I have been alone the last few days. I realize how quickly my mind goes into things that get me frustrated and angry so easily. I think of the past, things people had said to me, the hypocrisy I see in others, how there is injustice in everything, why I cant speak up about how I feel or think. These thoughts are terrible and tearing me up inside as I sit alone. I dislike it and I need to be on guard consistently towards this victimized, justice, criminal, revengeful thought pattern in my mind.

I share this with you because I need help. By help, I mean prayer. I ask God "why these thoughts?". He response differently to me each time I ask him and the same response when I am in a place of thought he and I have already visited. He speaks to me "You're a broken spirit" (he says this with a compassionate voice, that shows me he is ready to receive me as I am). He said to me once and reminds me "this is your thorn in the side and I will not heal you because my grace is sufficient. Once you desire me and not your perfected image then the thorn may leave but until then search for me and I will love you". Sometimes he response with silence which I would say is the most painful response because I cant tell if he is near or far. I trust in these moments he is listening and waiting for me to calm down and rest in his presence.


There is a beautiful story I was once told. "There was a wife and a husband. The wife would come home to her husband pissed off, yelling at him about how she is disappointed with him and her life. She would clam he did not love her. The husband will listen walk around the house making the house fit her so she could be comfortable. He would be fixing a meal for her as she pouts, then he grabs a cup fills it with orange juice and hands it over to her. She drinks it and then begins to calm down, rest, and apologize for all the things she said. He sits with her and cares for her and understands she has a disease that makes her act this way. He loves her and is patient with her" This is my relationship with God and it maybe yours too. I knew as soon as I heard this story that it was God and his treatment towards me.

Jesus deeply love me and I love him back. Try to at least.

We are deeply loved by God. We may be wolves to one another and slowly repenting of this animal instinct but God is never a wolf, he is a gentle lamb.
He is lovely.